Top Five Things I Hate About Miami This Week

5. Public Transportation
It's simply unreliable. The last time I tried riding the Metrorail, during a non-rush hour time slot, I was stuck waiting for the train for 35 minutes. According to the Metrorail's Web site, I should have only waited 15 minutes.

Also, the smell of urine is all too familiar when you use the Metromover.

4. Miami Nightlife
Unemployment in this country is the highest in years and, yet somehow, new clubs and restaurants keep popping up. It's great to have new venues. It's just a shame that I can't afford to go to any of them and only 3% of Miami's population can afford to go.

I'm getting bored of my usual haunts. Variety, after all, is the spice of life. It's just too bad that it gives you a two hundred dollar bill at the end of the night.

3. Traffic [my morning commute to work]
It took me an hour and a half to drive from Kendall to Brickell this morning! I was running late so rush hour was technically over. In theory then, traffic should of dissipated. But alas, it did not.

Also, has anyone been on the I-95 heading North lately? The construction madness and the addition of a Sun Pass lane has added 30 minutes to an hour and a half (depending on the time of day) to any commute. Who was the genius behind the Sun Pass lane? Few people use and it makes driving on the 95 even more painful.

2. Morrissey Cancelling his Concert on Feb. 28
His concert was at Boca Raton, so technically not in Miami. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who lives in Miami and bought tickets to the show.

This is the second time he cancels on South Florida. He did the same thing last year.

1. Morrissey
I bought the tickets as a birthday present. I had second row, center seats. I saved money for the show. So, it's worth mentioning again. I'm boycotting Morrissey. Please refer to my previous post for further details.

I HATE MORRISSEY

Thanks for cancelling yet another show (he cancelled a show about a year ago). I had second row, center seats. I spent $200 dollars...I bought the tickets off someone in Craigslist. I HATE YOU MORRISSEY!

Please light a candle, pray or sacrifice a goat for me so I can hopefully get my money back...

Miami Light Project

Because of the current economic meltdown, the fact that the Miami Light Project is celebrating its 20th year anniversary is a wonderful thing because the arts are often overlooked or ignored. Too many don't realize that, while art is not essential to life, it reveals essentially what makes us human.

For those not familiar: the Miami Light Project is a not-for-profit organization that brings live dance, music and theater performances from around the world to south Florida and helps support local artists.

The group is currently promoting two performances. Each will be performed at the Adrienne Arsht Center. Here's how the center's Web site decribes the two acts:

SYMBOL by Alexey Puig Taran
From aerial dance and video-art to music, words and improvisation, Symbol explores the boundaries of poetry where color, beauty, desire, and faith incorporate us into the cosmic order.

VARIOUS STAGES OF DROWNING: A CABARET by Rosie Herrera
A recreation of dream states through dance theater, cabaret, opera and surrealism using water as a metaphor for the unconscious.

There will also be three additional FREE performances given those days as well. Those are:

INCUBATOR
March 7 & 8 @ 3 PM

• HYPOTHESIS PLAYGROUND: Choreography By Ileigh Reynolds in collaboration with dancers Ty Barker and Nicole Farnesi
• VERTICAL SPRAWL: Choreography by Heather Maloney; Sound-scape by Juan Carlos Espinosa

TALKING HERE AND NOW
March 7 & 8 @ 2 PM

Artists and arts administrators discuss the highs and lows of producing original works. Speakers to be announced.

OUT LOUD!
March 7 & 8 @ 4 PM

Play-readings of unproduced works by South Florida playwrights

• HISPANIOLOVE by Berwick Augustin
• THE HATE U GAVE: THE TUPAC SHAKUR STORY by Meshaun Arnold

Over the years, I've seen various performances provided by the Miami Light Project and they've always been quite enjoyable. I highly recommend hitting these up if you get the chance. Support the arts by buying tickets here.

I Love the 80s Volume 2

Before their cheesy ballad Take my Breath Away, Berlin made a great song still played at indie and goth clubs in Miami and elsewhere. And that song is Metro.

Besides being completely catchy, the lyrics rock! Here's a peek: I'm alone/ sitting with my empty glass/ my four walls/ follow me through my past/ I was on a Paris train/ I emerged in London rain/ and you were waiting there/ swimming through apologies...

Thus I present another 80s video chalk full of big shoulder pads and men wearing lipstick. Coke, it's a hell of a drug!



Berlin - Metro

Light, Camera, Action!

Though it's ten days away, I already have Miami Film Festival fever. For the past couple of days, I've been eagerly dissecting the program's schedule and have already picked out several flicks I don't want to miss.

What's more, the Festival's Web site makes the selection process easy because it allows you to sort by country of origin, director, venue and date. Plus, there are 23 other categories useful to hardcore film buffs.

Here are three films I definitely don't want to miss:

Universalove - (Austria/Luxemburg/Serbia, 83 min, 35mm, 2008)
Director : Thomas Woschitz
Description from Festival Web site: Composed from an assortment of images and set to a haunting soundtrack by Austrian indie band Naked Lunch, Universalove is a new type of music film. Similar to cinematic mood pieces such as Baraka and Koyaanisqatsi, it weaves together collectively understood images for a symphony that traverses all languages, cultures and orientations.
When/Where/Time: Saturday, March 14, 2009 at Regal South Beach 18, 6:45:00 PM

Empty Nest (El Nido Vacío) - (Argentina/Spain/France/Italy, 92 min, 35mm, 2008)
Director: Daniel Burman
Description from Festival Web site: A middle-aged couple, played with perfect chemistry by Cecilia Roth (She starred in All About My Mother, which I love) and Oscar Martinez, look for ways to escape their empty nest syndrome when their youngest adult child moves out. The latest comedy hit by Argentine Daniel Burman (Berlin Winner, Lost Embrace).
When/Where/Time: Saturday, March 14, 2009 at Gusman Center, 7:00:00 PM

9 to 5: Days in Porn - (Germany, 96 min, DigiBeta, 2008)
Director: Jens Hoffmann
Description from Festival Web site: Follows the lives of ten porn stars over the course of a year. A married couple, sisters, and an 18-year-old rising star are some of the characters that offer a glimpse into the inner workings of the adult entertainment industry. Strong Adult Content
When/Where/Time: Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at Cosford (UM), 6:00:00 PM and Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at Regal South Beach 18, 9:00:00 PM

Also, for those who have never been to the festival before, here are a couple of tips:

• Tickets cost 12 dollars for general admission, 10 for seniors, 7 for students
• You can buy tickets in advance online or at 305-405-6433, which I recommend since the popular films tend to sell out
• The festival is spread out throughout Miami and Miami Beach. So, keep that in mind if you want to do all day movie marathons
• No refunds or exchanges
• For questions or inquiries, call 305-237-3456.

Over the next ten days, I will be providing snapshots of the other films and related events of interest. So stay tuned folks!

Something to Look Forward to

One of the world's top dance companies will be gracing South Florida with its presence on March 13th and 14th. The Montreal-based CompagnieMarie Chouinard will be performing The Rite of Spring and Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun. Tickets are $25 dollars for general admission. Read more about the performance and Marie Chouinard here.

Good Ol' Frank, A Favorite

AVE MARIA

Mothers of America
let your kids go to the movies!
get them out of the house so they won't know what you're up to
it's true that fresh air is good for the body
but what about the soul
that grows in darkness, embossed by silvery images
and when you grow old as grow old you must
they won't hate you
they won't criticize you they won't know
they'll be in some glamorous country
they first saw on a Saturday afternoon or playing hookey
they may even be grateful to you
for their first sexual experience
which only cost you a quarter
and didn't upset the peaceful home
they will know where candy bars come from
and gratuitous bags of popcorn
as gratuitous as leaving the movie before it's over
with a pleasant stranger whose apartment is in the Heaven on Earth Bldg
near the Williamsburg Bridge
oh mothers you will have made the little tykes
so happy because if nobody does pick them up in the movies
they won't know the difference
and if somebody does it'll be sheer gravy
and they'll have been truly entertained either way
instead of hanging around the yard
or up in their room
hating you
prematurely since you won't have done anything horribly mean yet
except keeping them from the darker joys
it's unforgivable the latter
so don't blame me if you won't take this advice
and the family breaks up
and your children grow old and blind in front of a TV set
seeing
movies you wouldn't let them see when they were young

By Frank O'Hara

Flashback to 1994 - Through the Eyes of Rolling Stone

It's interesting to see how some things haven't changed (Brad Pitt was and still is making headlines) while other images have altered or almost completely disappeared (Kurt Cobain's suicide or the previously popular TV series Beavis and Butt-head.)



















February 10,1994 Issue



March 24, 1994 Issue



June 2, 1994 Issue



August 25, 1994 Issue



October 6, 1994 Issue



December 1, 1994

If It's For Free Then It's For Me

What's that you say? Free beer? No way. You're kidding, right?

Nope, it's true.

Total Wine - the Disney World of Wine and Spirits - will be sampling at least a dozen different beers as a preview of the upcoming 2009 Best Damn Brew Review. The event takes place today from five to seven.

If you can't make it tonight, don't fret. This Friday, from seven until midnight, you can sample up to 200 different beers - though I wouldn't recommend downing that many unless you want to end up in the hospital - for a mere $20 dollars. Food and live music are included in the price of admission. Click on the image for complete details.

UPDATED: as a clarification, the first event at Total Wine is free. The second event does have an entrance fee. However, the image also lists dates of other free Total Wine beer samplings along with the main $20 dollar event.

One Man's Junk is Another Man's Treasure

South Central Tour (PART 1 OF 4) from ABOVE on Vimeo.

This is the first of a four part video installment by the artist Above. He undertook a six month tour that began in Brazil and ended in Mexico. Though Above is not a local artist, his tour focuses on regions prominent to Miami's own landscape. His art is based on each region's local flavor - variations in personality and taste we see reflected in the faces of Miami.

See more of his work at: www.goabove.com

Please note: If the video is loading slowly, turn "HD OFF" in the top corner.

I Love the 80s Volume 1

They just don't make them like they used to. But, whether that's a good or bad thing, I'll leave it up to you to decide.



Visage - Fade to Gray

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I Hate Valentine's Day and You Probably Do Too

It’s that hallmark time of year again. Fortunately, whether you love or hate it, there are plenty of activities around Miami to help you forget an ex or escape the humdrum cliché of dinner and a dozen roses. Here are my top picks:

For anyone who wishes to punch an ex in the face: Crunch is offering free boxing classes this Saturday at 11am at the Washington Avenue location. Work out your aggression against your ex by taping a picture of him or her on your trainer’s mitts or on one of the gym’s punching bags.

To uncover your inner voyeur: Miami Beach’s World Erotic Museum will be open until midnight and offering complimentary drinks with the price of admission. If you’re single, make sure not to drink too much. You may meet another lonely soul and 405 pounds looks like 105 pounds when you’re wasted.

For the artsy-fartsy: The Miami Beach Cinematheque will be showing the silent classic, The Man Who Laughs. The rumor is that this film inspired Heath Ledger’s performance in the Dark Knight. But here’s the best part: the original score will be accompanied by a live Opera singer.

To scare an uptight date or to taste sugar, spice, latex and vice: Fetish Factory’s annual Valentine’s Day bash is sure to satisfy any craving you may have. Just make sure to dress the part; no jeans allowed. Get your creative juices flowing and hopefully the lashings will come a rollin’.

If you have hate in your heart and want to let it out: Check out the Hate Art Show at 3841 NE 2nd Ave, Ste 103. The name of the exhibit says it all. So, if you’re a hater and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re a hater and you know it then your face will surely show it; if you're hater and you know it clap your hands.

For the hopelessly broke: The Wynwood Art Walk will be operating business as usual. There should be plenty of free finger food and booze! And for a little class (I mean crass) consider topping off the night with a heart shaped pizza from Papa John’s. It’s sure to get a couple of laughs or looks of disgust.

Free and Always at My Disposal

Last night I had a dream I was on a Caribbean island where a scientist showed me a rare species of penguin fond of hot weather. It sported the usual tuxedo suit but was thin with black and white polka dots on its belly.

The scientist told me I was on an unknown island off the coast of Jamaica, smaller than the size of the Cayman Islands. At that point, he disappeared and so did the penguin. I didn’t ask any questions and accepted his disappearance as a person accepts the bill at the end of a meal.

I looked around me and saw blue as far as my eye could reach. The sun was a hot high noon fireball. I began exploring and reached a road with the ocean on the other side of it. The ocean was dangerously close to the concrete; it was practically overflowing into the street. But it didn’t scare me. I looked towards my right and saw that a part of the island was underwater. The island dealt with it by creating tunnels that islanders swam or canoed through. They did it cheerfully as if it was completely normal. And for some reason, the exaggerated presence of water made me feel as calm as a fountain.

Then, I woke up.

Dreams, who understands them? The who, what, where, when and why gets thrown out the window. But the dream has led me to two conclusions: first, I want a pet penguin.



Second, it’s time I start enjoying one of the best natural resources Miami has to offer: the beach. Now that the weather is warming up, I plan to get grab some rays because it’s free and always at my disposal. So, if you’re ever at a loss for something to do, go out and enjoy either the sun or moon on a soft bed of sand. Plus, a picnic on the beach at night with a bottle of wine is always a winning option.

Miami Needs its Own Poster Boy

Celebrate Year of the Ox this Weekend

"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time."
- James Agate


"Let us eat and drink: for tomorrow we diet."
- Wendy Morgan


"When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. ... A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement."
- Calvin Trillin

RIP Lux Interior

Lux, you'll be missed. AP sums it up the best:

Their unmistakable sound was a lo-fi synthesis of rockabilly and surf guitar staged with a deviant dose of midnight-movie camp. Some called it "psychobilly."

The pale, tall, gaunt Interior appeared shirtless with black hair and tiny, low-slung black pants, looking part zombie, part Elvis Presley as he crawled, writhed and howled his way across the stage.

The group had the raw intensity of punk, but took the music in new directions by incorporating theatrical elements, often horror-themed, in songs like "I Was a Teenage Werewolf" and "Bikini Girls With Machine Guns." Their breakthrough debut EP was 1979's "Gravest Hits. Read more here.

Last Weekend to Catch a Fallen Angel

A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings: a play for ages 8 and up. It's an adapatation of a Gabriel García Márquez short story, read it here.
The word delightful best describes it. Some of the actors wear masks as big as their torsos. The stage is dressed in orange, blue, black and gray. The simplicity of the stage design is part of its strength: your eyes and ears are forced to focus on the actors and their subtle but expressive body movements. Puppets add to the magical realism of another time and place.

The caveat: since it's a children's play, expect some mindless singing and dancing. But, it's kept to a minimum and most of the music ranges from catchy to tolerable.

Tickets:
$15 each
Where:
The PlayGround Theatre
9806 NE 2nd Avenue
Miami Shores
Remaining Dates:
Thurs, Feb 5 10am
Fri, Feb 6 10am
Sat, Feb 7 3pm
Sun, Feb 8 3pm

Eye Candy

Art work by Will Cotton. More delicious goodies here.